Daily Dose - 020320 - Five cannibals, BIZARRE NEWS, tattoo studios, DDL, Hey Martha Five cannibals get appointed as engineers in a defense company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says, "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat. So please don't trouble any of the other employees". The cannibals promised. Four weeks later the boss returns and says, "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. However, one of our janitors has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to him?" The cannibals all shake their heads no. After the boss has left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others, "Which of you idiots ate the janitor?" A hand raises hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals replies, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Team Leaders, Supervisors and Project Managers and no one noticed anything, and you have to go and eat the janitor!" __________________________ BIZARRE NEWS.... Bizarre Sports Tobacco spitting is the name of the game at the annual CALICO TOBACCO CHEWING AND SPITTING CHAMPIONSHIPS near Barstow, California. The BEER CAN REGATTA is raced each June off Mindil Beach at Darwin in Australia. All of the craft are made from beer and soft drink cans. Bed-pushers from all over Britain converge on North Yorkshire each year for the grueling two-mile KNARESBOROUGH BED RACE. The first WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP WORM-CHARMING took place at Wollaston, Cheshire, in 1980. The winner charmed 511 worms out of his three-meter-square plot in half an hour. The highlight of the VANCOUVER SEA FESTIVAL each July is the Nanaimo to Vancouver bathtub race across the choppy waters of the Strait of Georgia. ******** 76-year-old Vet "trained to kill" STOCKTON, Calif. - When two men held up a Bank of America branch in Stockton, California, they didn't plan on having to face Edward Christopher. The 76-year-old WWII vet saw the men taking money from a teller and moved to stop them. He didn't take any guff from the Krauts and he wasn't about to take it from these two whipper-snappers. The three men struggled and Christopher managed to rip one bag away from the thieves before they fled with an undisclosed amount of cash. In an interview Christopher said he's not particularly fond of police, reporters or even Bank of America, but he likes bank robbers even less. "I was trained to kill," he said, "and I've never been deprogrammed." ******** Six Elderly Men Are Pregnant LONDON, England - Dear Sir, We are happy to inform you that you are pregnant. What's so strange about that, anyway? A hospital in London recently mailed 30 erroneous letters to patients, including six elderly men, telling them that they are expecting a bundle of joy. Instead, the patients were actually to have received a letter indicating their operations had been postponed. The hospital blamed it on human error. The letters were automatically generated by a computer, and an employee had to choose which "reason" it was to be sent. According to a spokeswoman for the Chesterfield and North Derbyshire Royal Hospital said, "The girl operating the system has simply chosen the wrong option." Tell that to six 70-year-old men who think they are having a baby...In the meantime, the spokeswoman insists an error like this will not occur again. ******** Prison Guard Demoted for Being Too Nice to Prisoners SWITZERLAND - "Who could believe that in 2002 I'm being criticized for being too humane?" Philippe Ackermann asked after being demoted as a guard at Delemont Prison. Prison authorities have scaled back his responsibilities for being too nice to the inmates and allowing seven of them to escape while he was on duty. Ackermann dismisses the charges, blaming the aging infrastructure for the getaways. One convict escaped when the prison's main door was negligently left open while the place was being painted. Another inmate was left alone with his wife and they were able to pry open the door with a screwdriver, but Ackermann contends that none of them were violent people anyway. "We are not a high security prison and we don't have dangerous criminals." The guard has a history of being "too nice", though. He was fined nine years ago for giving knitting needles to a convict who supposedly wanted to make a sweater. ********* Teacher Forces Students to Cut Their Hair NICOSIA, Cyprus - No one knows why a teacher made his students chop off their hair in the middle of class recently. In the midst of year-end exams, the headmaster at a Cyprus school gave all his male students scissors and told them to cut off their Mohican spikes and shaggy hair-dos. The students didn't know how to react, and the teacher threatened them with having to re-take all the exams. Most of the boys complied, but according to parents, the headmaster actually performed the act for two students. Human rights groups are angry at this violation and humiliation. Ombudsman Iliana Nicolaou said, "It was a slight on their dignity and particularly humiliating." ********* Afghanis: "Yabba Dabba Doo!" FAIRFAX COUNTY, Va. - According to intelligence expert Navy Lt. Cmdr. Al Martin, Afghani locals call the U.S. soldiers "Yabba dabba doo." But it has nothing to do with Fred Flintstone's popular catch phrase. Afghanistan sources say "Yabba Dabba Doo" means "falling crates that knock down huts" in Afghani slang and is now a reference to the humanitarian food drops that have destroyed dozens of homes in the last weeks. The food is also leaving a bad taste in the villagers' mouths. Martin says one tribal chieftain thought the meatballs in a can of spaghetti were horse droppings. ______________________________ There is a rumor circulating that certain tattoo studios in the US have, in amongst all the stock designs on the walls, the Chinese characters for "I'm so stupid that I don't know what this means." The person who mentioned this was Chinese-American, and asked the tattooist why this was up on the wall. He replied that it was there to catch idiots who just picked designs which they thought looked cool - and that if someone was stupid enough to get a phrase which they didn't understand tattooed on their body, he'd do it. Apparently he'd already put the design on several people. Of course - he explained - if they had asked him what it meant, he would have told them. ______________________________ DDL There once was a dirty only bloke Whose dick was so small, was a joke When he placed it in her hand She didn't understand and she said,"No thank you, I don't smoke! ______________________________ "The first law of advertising is to avoid the concrete promise and cultivate the delightfully vague." -John Crosby, advertising executive *** "I searched for the bluebird of happiness, but all I found was the chicken of despair." -Anonymous ______________________________ Hey Martha (true) Friday, December 28, 2001 Woman's trip to outhouse launches police search in Princeton, B.C. PRINCETON, B.C. (CP) -- It was a simple trip to the outhouse but it attracted police, a search dog and an ambulance crew. Princeton RCMP were called to a cabin at about 12:30 a.m. Wednesday, three hours after a 54-year-old woman hadn't returned from using the outhouse. Her husband and two adult children started their own search about a half hour after the woman left their cabin and temperatures dipped to minus 10, said Const. Chris Newel. Police found the woman safe and sound asleep in a snowbank at about 4:30 a.m. -- seven hours after she began her trek to the outhouse. Newel said the woman was located nearly a quarter of a kilometre from the roadway and that she was in good health despite the frigid weather. He said the woman was disoriented but that holiday spirits weren't responsible for that. "There's no indication she was drunk, none whatsoever," he said, adding the woman was on medication. Newel said the family from the Kelowna, B.C., area had been celebrating Christmas at their cabin. It's not known if the woman actually made it to the outhouse.